Spotting workplace bullying: What leaders miss

Boxers & Briefs Podcast #45: Subtle signs of workplace bullying that create toxic work environments with Nicole Coyne

Nicole Coyne returns to Boxers and Briefs to challenge how we think about leadership and workplace bullying. With 17 years of experience in business strategy and leadership coaching, Nicole runs Tikumu Consulting with a clear focus: people are your most valuable asset.

This conversation strips away the fluff around what makes a good leader and gets into the behaviours that breed toxic workplaces, often without anyone realising it’s happening.

The blind spot most leaders have

What’s the most common mistake leaders make when they think they’re doing a good job?

Nicole gets straight to it. She defines good leadership as surrounding yourself with people who can do the job better than you. “People who hire people should allow them to do their jobs,” she says. The problem? Leaders who think they’re doing well often want to do those jobs too. They don’t step back.

As a leader, you’re not the doer. You might have specific responsibilities, but you’ve hired people for a reason. Your job is to mentor, coach, and hold them accountable, not to take over their work.

The second blind spot is bigger: assuming everyone wants to be led the way you want to be led.

“How I want to be led as an individual is going to be very different to how you want to be led,” Nicole explains. Good leaders have conversations with their team members about how each person likes to be managed. One person might need regular check-ins and updates. Another might see that as micromanaging and want to be left alone to do their work.

Leading 10 different people means leading them 10 different ways. That’s why it’s called leadership. You need to understand what motivates each person and adapt your approach to get the best results from them.

This is where Nicole uses behavioural profiling and psychometric testing, helping leaders understand how each person on their team operates and what they need.

Where bullying hides

If you’re not figuring out how to lead each person properly, things can start to look like bullying. And that’s where the conversation gets uncomfortable.

Nicole breaks bullying into two types: overt and covert.

Overt bullying is in your face. It’s the schoolyard version: name-calling, aggression, obvious intimidation. “Surely that doesn’t really happen anymore, does it?” we ask. Nicole’s response: “It does.”

But covert bullying is where things get murky. It happens under the water line. It’s sneaky. And it’s what creates toxic workplaces.

Nicole references Julian Treasure’s TED Talk on communication, which identifies seven deadly sins that contribute to toxic environments:

• Gossip
• Negativity
• Blaming
• Lying
• Dogmatism (stating opinions as absolute facts and forcing others to accept them)
• Judging
• Complaining and excuse-making

When leaders allow these behaviours to fester, they’re creating the conditions for bullying to thrive. The environment becomes toxic because these behaviours are going unchecked.

Is there such thing as harmless gossip?

Nicole’s rule is simple: if you can say something to a person and then say it to the person you were talking about, you’re fine. You need to be able to communicate whatever you’re saying directly to that individual’s face. That’s your responsibility.

If you can’t, it’s not harmless.

Maintaining standards without crossing the line

So how do you stay firm, maintain your standards, and hold people accountable without tipping into bullying behaviour?

When you hire people, you give them job descriptions and brief them on expectations. You explain the vision and how you want things done. If they can use their skill set to complete the job and deliver on that vision, that’s what they need to do.

But when someone isn’t performing, how do you address it without it becoming personal or harsh?

Nicole’s approach: be objective.

When you see an employee not doing their job correctly, frustration kicks in. Tempers can flare. The key is to step into that conversation with the right mindset: objective and professional.

She uses a rugby term: “Play the ball, not the man.”

Focus on the behaviour. Focus on the performance. Don’t make it personal. That’s when bullying starts, when you get personal. Saying ‘you’re not doing a good enough job’ attacks the person. Saying ‘this job could be better’ addresses the work.

“When we start calling people lazy or telling them ‘you’re this’ or ‘you’re that,’ we’re not talking about the job anymore,” Nicole says. “We’re talking about the individual. And the person will shut down.”

Dale Carnegie’s first principle in How to Win Friends and Influence People is never criticise. Even constructive criticism can hurt. You need to deliver feedback in the right place, with the right approach, and create an environment where it’s okay to make mistakes.

If people can’t make mistakes in your business, they start hiding things. And that’s far more dangerous.

The sign you’re unknowingly creating toxicity

What’s the one sign that a leader is contributing to a toxic workplace without realising it?

“They’re not stepping in, and they’re not taking charge straight away,” Nicole says.

Wait—isn’t getting involved micromanaging?

“No. When you micromanage, you micromanage the job. But when you see potential bullying happening, you’ve got to step in and deal with that. You’re not dealing with the person’s job or their tasks; that’s separate. It’s the behaviour. The unacceptable behaviour.”

When employees come to you because they’re looking for support, and you brush them off with ‘you’ll be okay’ or ‘you’ll be fine,’ that’s one of the worst things you can do.

You have to deal with it. Pull them aside. Ask questions. Are you okay with this? How do we need to deal with this?

You also need the right HR practices and policies in place. Anti-bullying policies need to exist, and they can’t just gather dust in a file. You need to talk about them. You need to act on them.

The key: if you see something, say something. Or just be curious. Go in and ask what’s happening. People notice when you’re paying attention.

The context problem

‘See something, say something’ can also become a form of bullying if you don’t say the right thing in the right way.

If something is mean and overt, you address it in the moment. If it’s subtle and covert, you need to understand the context. Talk to the person on the receiving end: ‘How did that make you feel?’ Talk to the person on the giving end: ‘Did you realise that could make people feel a certain way?’

You’re asking questions. You’re being curious. You’re not ignoring it.

Nicole also points out that hurt people hurt. Bullies often sit in what’s called the drama triangle: victim, rescuer, persecutor. The persecutor sees everything in life as wrong, blames the world, and gets negative. They’re not in a happy space, and they need help too. But in business, bullies often don’t get the support they need.

If you can have those conversations from a place of care and vulnerability, everything changes.

Assessing your own leadership style

For business owners wondering if their leadership style is working, the first step is asking the question. Self-awareness is the starting point.

But here’s the problem: many people think there’s only one type of leadership style that’s accepted in business. They think they need to be the most dominant person in the room, the loudest, the most aggressive. ‘That’s what leaders are,’ they tell themselves.

It’s not.

“Identify what your leadership style is and sit in acceptance with that,” Nicole says. “Lean into your strengths.”

She points to different types of leaders, such as Mother Teresa and Gandhi. They were leaders in their own right, but they weren’t dominant or loud.

The behaviours that feel difficult (like dealing with conflict or having courageous conversations) you’ve got to practice those. Be open to it. Have conversations when it’s not business-critical, just to feel free to be yourself. You don’t have to be somebody else. They’re already taken. You just need to be you. Nobody is you-er than you.

How to respond when you see covert bullying

So you’ve assessed your leadership style. You’ve got your approach sorted. Then you see covert bullying happening. How do you respond?

You don’t want to hurt anyone. You don’t want to go out on a limb in case you’re wrong. What if it wasn’t bullying at all, but just part of another conversation?

Nicole’s answer: trust your gut. When you see something that doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

There should be zero tolerance for bullying in business. The leader needs to take charge. That’s what takes a leader to the next level: going in and dealing with it.

Have the conversations. Step in. If people notice that you’re taking notice, they become more aware of what’s acceptable and what’s not.

Is it okay to slip up yourself, to gossip or say something negative you wouldn’t say to someone’s face, then catch yourself and say, ‘I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Can you guys pull me up on that if I do it again?’

“Of course it is,” Nicole says. “Be vulnerable. If something happens and you catch it, apologise. If you can show your faults and be mindful of them, you become more human. People know that you know it’s wrong.”

All leaders make mistakes. When you do, own it.

But remember: you’re on stage. Everything you do, everything you say, people are watching. Your behaviour is mimicked by the people around you. If you want an open, curious conversation in your organisation, you need to model it all the time. You need to be it. Make it the norm.

Where to start

Nicole’s work with extended DISC profiling gives leaders and teams a complete picture of communication styles, work preferences, and how to work together effectively.

If you’re ready to assess your leadership style, understand your team better, or address toxic behaviours in your workplace, you can find Nicole Coyne on LinkedIn or through Tikumu Consulting.

The work starts with awareness. The change starts with action.

This article and podcast is proudly brought to you by Gilligan Sheppard, the problem solvers in business who believe in thinking differently.